


The Arch-Mage's New Rules

by WerdeSpinner



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Gen, basically What Not To Do At The College Of Winterhold, but you should know that, got the formatting straightened out aw yeah, pls give me ideas for new rules, spoilers for the College of Winterhold questline, spoilers for the Immersive College of Winterhold questline, utter silliness treated semi-seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-18 03:16:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10608153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WerdeSpinner/pseuds/WerdeSpinner
Summary: I can't believe I have to set down these rules in addition to the official code of conduct, but the need exists and here I am. Yes, we have an official code of conduct. Enthir, I'm looking at you.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.

_\- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:_

_I can't believe I have to set down these rules in addition to the official code of conduct, but the need exists and here I am. Yes, we have an official code of conduct, and, yes, you are required to abide by it as a member of the College of Winterhold. If you did not receive a copy of it during your orientation or have since lost it, you may request another copy from the Master Wizard._

_It_ is _possible to skate by with only the knowledge of the abbreviated code of conduct I know Enthir likes to preach to gullible new apprentices, but I do not recommend it. All of the usual penalties shall apply both to infractions of the official code of conduct and also to these new rules I am drawing up, unless otherwise stated. A copy of this list shall be posted in the Hall of the Elements and the Arcanaeum as well as the college dormitories. I shall tolerate_ no _complaints._

_\- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold_

* * *

1) Any member of this College found trapping the souls of sentient beings in soul gems shall receive a complimentary trip to the Soul Cairn, courtesy of myself. There it is hoped that the individual will be moved not only by the plight of the spent souls therein but also by the prospect of being double-crossed by the Ideal Masters.

  1. It has not been satisfactorily demonstrated that black souls produce more powerful enchantments than grand white souls. There is no logical reason to prefer black souls over them.
  2. Yes, Enthir, this includes the souls of giants in addition to all the races of man, mer, and beastfolk.
  3. Falmer are still a race of mer, as the name implies. Stop asking.
  4. Dragons and Dragonborn cannot be soultrapped. This has been extensively proven. No, any Soul Trap cast upon me is not painful, but it _is_ annoying. I have indulged your curiosity long enough. The next idiot to try this will also receive a complimentary trip to the Soul Cairn, and I might just forget to retrieve him or her.
  5. Exceptions to this rule about the souls of sentient creatures _may_ be made in the cases of particularly deserving individuals. Please discuss with me before making any such soultrapping attempt or at least before using the resulting filled soul gem.



2) Our latest research into the Great Collapse does suggest that a sload necromancer may have precipitated that disaster or have worsened the effects of the already cataclysmic natural weather. You are not, however, allowed to claim, "A sload did it!" as an excuse for anything and everything, including your late homework.

3) My predecessor's skooma habit may have been one of the College's worst-kept secrets, but I have no such habit, unfortunately for you. Even the watered-down skooma most commonly found in Skyrim remains illegal and I am in full accord with the Jarl on this issue. There shall be no production, consumption, or distribution of skooma in any way, shape, or form on the campus of this College.

  1. Don't think I don't know about that still down in the Midden.
  2. I don't _care_ if you now have to distill your skooma on an ice floe in the middle of nowhere.



4) Despite his line of work and occasional somewhat creepy comments, Phinis Gestor is a fellow member of the College and deserves to be treated with respect. The unfortunate deaths of the four apprentices in his class were independently verified and were not the result of poor teaching, poor supervision, or foul play. Stop insinuating the opposite. He is upset enough as it is.

5) Forget Master Urag gro-Shrub's atronachs. If you damage the books that I retrieved from the bottom of a Falmer pit, you'll have _me_ to deal with.

6) I understand that alchemy experimentation can be messy, but common courtesy dictates that you clean up after yourself when you are finished. If this continues, I'll let Nirya deal with the culprits as she sees fit. Maybe self-preservation instincts will finally motivate some tidiness around here.

7) As with all research trips, you must inform either Mirabelle or myself before you go spelunking in the ruins of old Winterhold. As is also typical for research trips, please list any next-of-kin you would like to be informed if you never return and/or your remains are someday found.

8) I don't care how badass you think I am whenever it happens; _I_ am tired of chasing off any Daedric Princes and/or any lesser daedra summoned during your frat parties. Alcohol and the school of conjuration do _not_ mix.

  1. Sanguine is _not_ my boyfriend, and he has never had any luck at all with me, despite whatever he may say to the contrary.
  2. No, I will not be "among my own kind". As Dragonborn, my soul is Aedric. _Aedric._ Not Daedric. I have more in common with the Nine Divines than with any of the Daedra. Is that clear?
  3. I will absolutely not summon a dragon here for the purposes of a party or to sate your idle curiosity. If I summon a dragon, that means shit is going down and you need to hide in your nearest magically-reinforced bunker. If you don't have a magically-reinforced bunker, that is not my problem.
  4. I will also _not_ be summoning any of the Nine Divines. Are you mad?



9) The Thu'um can be used to alter the weather, correct. However, such power is not to be used lightly. The next person to beg me to alter the weather for frivolous reasons will be sent to climb the 7000 Steps to High Hrothgar while meditating upon these words: "The Voice is worship / Follow the inner path / Speak only in True Need".

10) Bernadette Bantien is a member of the College in good standing, conducting vital research on the nature of draugr and on the ancient dragon cult, and is not to be referred to as a "zombie whisperer".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am yet another fan who refuses to take Mirabelle Ervine's death as canon. To me, she was clearly killed off only in order to pave the way for the Dragonborn to become Arch-Mage. However, as I see it, the positions of Master Wizard and of Arch-Mage are very different. The Master Wizard handles the actual running of the College, while the Arch-Mage handles all the dealings with the Jarl and with other magical institutions and the occasional magical catastrophe. Thus, in the world of my headcanon, Mirabelle continues to run the College and generally Get Things Done, while my Dragonborn was chosen as Arch-Mage for her ability to handle magical crises and for her status as Thane in multiple holds, one of those being Winterhold itself. It was hoped that she'd be able to begin mending the College's reputation in Winterhold and Skyrim as a whole. Has she been successful? *shrugs*


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.

_\- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:_

_I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that my class was actually the most well-behaved group of students in living memory at the College. After all, we're all at least still alive. Consider these additions to my informal list of rules as equally vital instructions for also staying alive. These additions shall be posted in the Hall of the Elements, the Arcanaeum, and the dormitories, so you shall have no excuse of pleading ignorance. All of the usual penalties shall apply, unless otherwise stated._

_\- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold_

* * *

11) Officially, emissaries from the Synod and the College of Whispers are to be treated with all due decorum. Unofficially, if you can prank them in small but annoying ways and make it look like a complete accident, you will suffer no penalty. I'm as exasperated with them as the rest of you are.

12) It is not my fault that you lost the rest of your research budget in Riften. Unless you can convince me that your research is of the utmost importance to the College, you will receive no additional funds for the rest of the semester. You may reapply when the term is up.

13) If you want to attempt a Levitation spell or enchantment, be my guest. If you want to reverse-engineer Icarian Flight, however, please don't do it in the courtyard, as none of us want to clean up your corpse.

14) I do _not_ kill and then enslave the souls of students and faculty who cross me, no matter how much I might sometimes wish to, so stop trying to terrify new apprentices with this ridiculous rumor. Arniel Gane's unfortunate demise was the result of his own experimenting, and his occasional appearances as a shade are the result of my conjuration mastery and my efforts to retrieve his soul from whatever corner of Oblivion he accidentally sent it.

  1. On that note, all research into the disappearance of the Dwemer must be first cleared with myself _and_ the Master Wizard, and all attempts to replicate the circumstances under which they disappeared are _strictly banned_. We were lucky Arniel only vaporized himself. We do not need to tempt fate again.
  2. Arniel has agreed to help me whenever I call upon him while I search for a method to permanently free him from Oblivion. I am not forcing him to do my bidding as I would a bound dremora or atronach. I was the one who put down Arondil; do you think I would practice more of that ilk? _No._
  3. The fact that I am friends with a zombie necromancer dragon does _not_ make me a necromancer myself. It also does not make me a necromancer by proxy. Durnehviir's actions were and are his own.
  4. Not all Bretons are necromancers. Enough of the stereotypes.
  5. Since _someone_ was fanatical enough to dig up old Imperial records, yes, the Lachapelles were a minor noble family of High Rock who were all executed when their secret necromancy habit was discovered and the literal skeletons in their closets revealed. To stave off any wild rumors, I will disclose this: I am the illegitimate daughter of Helene Lachapelle, who conceived me solely in a bid to avoid execution (it was only postponed), and I promised my father to never, ever touch necromancy. The fact that my mother's family was a pack of creepy necromancers still does not make me a necromancer myself. I don't even know the simplest spell for raising dead bodies. I have deliberately _not_ learned said spells. Now, will you all _please_ drop this subject?



15) My work on my promised complete dictionary for the dragon language and notes on its grammar will not proceed any faster if you pester me about it every time you see me.

16) Despite the results of the research Falion and I have put into finding a cure for vampirism, it is not proper to claim that we have "conquered death". If anything, we have conquered undeath. You are mages; be more precise in your terminology. With how you tell it, I'm starting to sound like Mannimarco.

17) The next idiot to walk through our doors and claim that the School of Restoration is inferior to the other schools will be dropped into the middle of an Ancient Nordic crypt of my choosing with only restoration spells to defend himself or herself. If I'm feeling generous, I may leave a Sun Fire spell tome as well. Anyone foolish enough to insult restoration in front of an Arch-Mage who specializes in conjuration and restoration _both_ fully deserves such a fate.

18) I will not lend you the Wabbajack for any reason _whatsoever_.

19) Normally, I don't mind that some of the students hijack the printing press in the Arcanaeum about one night every month to publish a student newsletter. Urag and I always snag a copy and have a grand time reading it, irreverent as it may be. How else you do think you've gotten away with doing this for so long? Be that as it may, you've crossed the line with the latest edition. That debacle on Solstheim did _not_ go down in that manner, and any and all tentacle porn depictions of myself (including those involving Miraak and/or Hermaeus Mora) will be destroyed with extreme prejudice. As for those poor fools responsible for this, I have this to say to you: I _will_ identify you, and the fact that individuals can be forced to read Black Books should be the least of your concerns when I do catch up to you.

20) Akatosh is generally known as the Father of Dragons, and being Dragonborn I have occasionally addressed him as _Bormah_ in my prayers, yes. I don't know why I'm hearing some of you claim that he is my father-in-law, and I'm not sure I want to know why.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.

_\- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:_

_After the events of the last few weeks, Mirabelle and I have put together some more additions to my list of rules. All members of the College are obliged to follow them, on pain of the usual penalties, unless otherwise stated._

_Any complaints that my predecessor was not nearly so harsh and let you get away with most, if not all, of your shenanigans will be met with the fact that the last group of students before my graduating class all perished in various messy ways. The death rate has dropped since I took over and I aim to keep it that way. Also, I'm fairly sure that his skooma habit had something to do with his extremely lax approach to College management. However, let us speak no (more) ill of the dead._

_\- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold_

* * *

21) Some of you may not be aware, but I trained as a bard in my childhood in High Rock and have performed in my fair share of taverns in Tamriel. I've heard all the drinking songs before, even the bawdiest. By the Nine, I've even _performed_ some of those songs before on request. (The things a starving college student will do for money…) Therefore, if you think you'll provoke a dramatic reaction out of me by spontaneously standing up and spouting off one of those songs during meal times, you are sadly mistaken.

  1. I have, in fact, joined the Bards' College in Solitude and remain a member in good standing. If you write terrible songs about me as the terrible Arch-Mage who passes all these rules limiting your fun, I reserve full rights to critique your meter and rhyme.
  2. Challenging me to a song battle in the Hall of the Elements will only end in your miserable defeat. However, you are still welcome to try. Pick your weapon of choice: voice or lute. I'm ready whenever you are.
  3. I thought you students had learned your lesson after the newsletter incident, but apparently not. Any students who compose and then perform bawdy songs involving me in any way, shape, or form have no right to be surprised when I compose songs right back featuring them instead. Maybe the fact that my songs are so catchy and everyone goes around humming them until you are thoroughly humiliated will teach you a lesson. (It probably won't, but I remain hopeful.)



22) All research into time-travel and time magic is banned for a reason, just like all attempts to recreate the disappearance of the Dwemer. The College policy on this sort of thing is clearly stated in the code of conduct, which I shall summarize here: We don't _care_ if you have a death wish with your research; we just don't want to get dragged into the middle of it, as well.

23) Standard policy for any items retrieved from a Dwemer ruin is to wait several days before selling any of them or using them in any research in case letters arrive from Calcelmo in Markarth concerning them. I know it's annoying, but live with it. He pays good money and the College has for decades now enjoyed a profitable working relationship with him. Why else do you think we get autographed first copies of his works?

  1. No, you can't hide from the couriers carrying his letters, and even running immediately away to Solstheim won't save you from them. They _will_ find you.
  2. Trust me, if we could figure out if they're using a locator spell and, if so, how it works, we would be on that so fast your head would spin.
  3. On that subject, no, we also don't know how Calcelmo always learns someone's been digging around in a Dwemer ruin and brought items out. The most plausible theory is that he maintains a pensieve watch over the major ruins. The most popular theory is that he's studied the Dwemer for so long he's developed a particular clairvoyance for anything to do with them. We may not actually want to know…



24) If anyone asks, the most important part of being an officially-recognized conjurer in good standing with the College is that you get to go into caves and throw fireballs at necromancers up to weird and messy magic. Trust me, it's an excellent feeling.

25) The next person to try using a low-powered Flame Cloak to keep warm in this wonderful Skyrim weather will not only be forced to shift for themselves to find new clothing to replace their charred rags, they will also clean the soot and scorch marks off the floors and wall and spend some quality time chopping firewood or polishing the Dwemer boiler in the subterrarium, as need dictates.

26) Occasionally having tea and discussing new applications of the School of Restoration with the all-knowing disembodied soul of a former College student (i.e. the Augur of Dunlain) _still_ does not make me a necromancer. The Augur and I are both very annoyed and disgusted by the perpetuation of this rumor, and the Augur has invited anyone who still mocks our school to run the gauntlet of his mastery test and see how well _you_ fare.

27) Everyone should know the standing policy: If any deranged Nords show up asking for me to open a portal to Sovngarde for them, the answer is no. They can travel there themselves after a heroic death in battle, the same as the rest of them. We have copies of _A Dream of Sovngarde_ to pass out to them for this exact purpose.

28) If you want to use the Snow-Elven wayshrines to travel quickly around Skyrim, as I do, then you'll follow the same arduous route I did to learn the theory behind soul energy and the conduits through Aetherius. Have fun.

29) Growing strange weeds in a corner of the lustratorium and then smoking the dried leaves is not _necessarily_ illegal in Skyrim (yet), but the use of magic while high on the resulting fumes and while possibly seeing things strange enough for the minds of Daedric princes is _definitely_ ill-advised. Sleeps-In-Blossom is not amused at the mess. I have given her my full permission to punish the culprits with helping her in the upkeep of the lustratorium for as long as needed, until they learn their lesson.

30) Pets are not allowed in the College dormitories.

  1. This includes all manner of live animals: dogs, cats, foxes, birds, etc. This is for their own safety, after the incident involving a student in search of more petty souls for his soul gems. Also, quarters are small, and the mess and noise are disturbing to other students.
  2. Atronachs are not pets, and the summoning of them is forbidden in the dormitories. This is clearly stated in the code of conduct. Do read up on it.
  3. Zombies of all sorts are not pets and may not be claimed as such, even if you use a raise spell on the freshly dead corpse of your beloved Fluffy. If you can write me a decent research proposal on your attempts to prolong the Dead Thrall spell and use your beloved Fluffy as a test subject, that is another matter entirely, provided your research proposal has been submitted through the proper channels and approved. Said test subject still needs to be kept in another location than the dormitories, however. I suggest finding a quiet corner of the Midden and trapping it to keep out any meddlers.
  4. Scamps are not pets. Daedroth are not pets. Any creature from the planes of Oblivion should not be claimed as a pet and may not be kept in the College dormitories. This is my last warning.



* * *


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.

_\- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:_

_The messes I have to clean up as Arch-Mage grow stranger and stranger each week. Mirabelle assures me that this is par for the course for the College, and she does seem admirably level-headed and only mildly exasperated with each new occurrence rather than wholly flabbergasted. If this is what she's had to deal with for the past few years, my respect for her has only grown._

_Here are the new rules. Do_ try _to comply with them. I have posted them in the usual places and the usual penalties apply, unless otherwise stated. Now, I'm off to the marshes to close another magical rupture and roast some draugr in nearby crypts while I'm there. Please behave for Mirabelle while I'm gone. If you do not, I have authorized Master Urag gro-Shrub to restore order using a new conjuration spell he found in the books we recovered from Riften._

_\- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold_

* * *

31) I will not supply you any dragon bones, scales, blood, or any other part of a dragon’s body for your research, unless you are one of my well-respected and elderly mentors who legitimately should not go traipsing up mountains and fighting dragons. If you want said dragon body parts, go harvest them yourself.

32) I do not give advances on your research grants, especially not when you lost most of your funds in last night’s card game. I do not care how many exaggerated stories you have heard of my wealth as the Last Dragonborn, and I will not bestow hundreds of septims upon any student foolish enough to play Enthir in poker. I did my time as a starving college student, and you can do yours. If you desperately need coin, Sergius Turranius is always in need of gofers to both fetch items for enchanting and deliver them to customers.

33) The open consumption of human flesh and human hearts is generally to be avoided even on College grounds. If you are a Bosmer observing the Green Pact, speak with the cook to make necessary arrangements. If you are a devotee of Namira, I’m still not impressed. If you are a particularly fanatical alchemist, good luck getting business except with necromancers in a cave somewhere. Even here at the College there are some lines we do not like to cross.

34) If enough well-reasoned arguments are put forward, I may consider re-establishing the School of Mysticism here at the College of Winterhold. At the very least, I am considering re-establishing study on many spells the practice of which is thought to have been lost, such the resist, fortify, and damage attribute and skill spells. Tel Mithryn has been most helpful in this regard.

35) The recent string of burglaries in the Arcanaeum and the dormitories leads me to remind you all to magically lock and trap your things. Make it not worth the effort for a sticky-fingered thief or a rival trying to sabotage your research. I have myself caught various members of the Thieves Guild trying – the key word here is ‘trying’ – to snatch my Stone of Barenziah (at least, the only one they know of). I expect to see belongings properly secured away when I return. Now, Master Urag gro-Shub and I are off to Riften to recover our stolen books and to sic atronachs on the hapless fools who dared to steal from a pack of mages.

36) Viewing of the items locked away in the Sanctuary may only be done under my direct supervision and for a very good reason (i.e. not idle curiosity). I will instantly teleport back anyone who makes a move to touch any of the artifacts. Do not think you can overpower me with weapon or magic and then steal an artifact, either. More dangerous creatures than you have tried and failed.

  1. I am under no requirement to provide you with a list of the dangerous items locked up in the Sanctuary.
  2. I will not confirm or deny any rumors that an artifact of Mannimarco’s is locked away in the Sanctuary. This _still_ does not make me a necromancer.
  3. Some of the items in the Sanctuary can do you grave harm upon contact. Remember, these rules exist for your safety just as much as they do for my sanity.
  4. No, I did not acquire all of the objects by myself. This College is much older than I am.
  5. If any of the items could be put to a beneficial purpose without posing grave danger to the College, they would _already_ be put to said beneficial purpose. Need I remind you of the Dwemer boiler in the subterrarium?
  6. How does the possibility of Daedric artifacts locked away in a room on the College roof somehow translate to me being the girlfriend of various Daedric princes? I will never understand the minds of college students. I _was_ one, so you would think I should, but apparently not.
  7. Sanguine repeatedly proposing a drinking contest to me under various disguises _does not count_. I am wise enough to refuse every time. The Sanguine Rose is not worth it. I do not _try_ to amass Daedric artifacts and have even participated in the destruction of at least one. I have a friend in Dawnstar who can attest to this. You, however, are welcome to try drinking with Sanguine yourself, if he takes an interest in you, and we can all enjoy your subsequent humiliation.



37) Fine, we can have a celebration to mark the anniversary of Ancano’s downfall. It’s not the same date as the anniversary of Savos Aren’s death, so it shouldn’t be in excessively poor taste. I propose that we take a page out of the Bards College’s book and burn Ancano in effigy. My experience with one of Ancano’s lackeys in Labyrinthian suggests that Thalmor burn very well.

  1. I will not support any attempts to perform a voodoo doll spell on the effigy of Ancano, but I will point out that he is quite dead. I made sure of that. However, if you _do_ achieve any observable results upon his spirit, wherever it may reside, make note of them. The Thalmor do not seem to have quite bought the story we spun for them about his unfortunate ‘disappearance’ while investigating a lead on Talos-worship in the ice-fields to the north, as they keep trying to send replacement ambassadors. If your spell is successful, we may have need of it after all.
  2. We do not need to re-enact the dramatic fight in the Hall of the Elements. For one thing, no one wants to play the part of Ancano, and the Eye of Magnus is no longer present.
  3. You want to dress an atronach in Thalmor robes and have it play the part of Ancano? Well. You can try. I shall enjoy watching the shenanigans that are sure to result.
  4. If I am talked into bringing out the Staff of Magnus for my participation in this farce, it will be for viewing purposes only. No, you may not hold it, no matter how much flattery you heap upon me or it. I most certainly will not _use_ it, as it can drain an individual’s entire magicka pool in a few seconds and then it will begin _draining your life-force_. Aedric artifacts are not toys.
  5. Conjure Magical Anomaly is not a spell taught as part of the regular curriculum in the School of Conjuration for good reason, and even the Conjure Magical Anomaly Soul can be quite dangerous. Once you have achieved a rank of at least expert in conjuration, however, you may request additional tutelage.



38) While I applaud the ingenuity and magical talent of the individual who created Mundus’s first spell to rain sweet rolls down from the heavens, I would also like to ask this individual to kindly _cease and desist_. Sheogorath approves from his realm in Oblivion, certainly, but the civilians are disturbed and the Jarl is concerned about what the influx of free food might do to the economy.

  1. A rain of cabbages is not any more acceptable. Please stop.
  2. If this is another ploy to see the Thu’um in action, I will take a break in shouting Clear Skies to introduce the perpetrator to Unrelenting Force. The testimony of various trolls, draugr, automatons, Thalmor, and other test subjects is unanimous in agreeing that this Shout is, indeed, unrelenting. However, I’m always glad to receive the input of a student volunteer.



39) In addition to its pickiness about its growing conditions, Jarrin root is highly lethal not only through ingestion but also through contact with bare skin. Only our resident alchemist, Sleeps-In-Blossom, has the required alchemy mastery certification to handle it. Any request to use a sample of it in research must be cleared through the proper channels and have the gravest of reasons behind it. Any attempt to snatch a sample without dealing with the red tape is doomed to failure, as I have set up extensive magical protections around the plant. The efficacy of these protections has been aptly demonstrated by three members (so far) of the Dark Brotherhood. Incidentally, this is also how we obtained three sets of the uniform of said organization and our investigation into the enchantments placed on those uniforms is going quite well.

40) Officially, the College of Winterhold has no policy against the admission of vampires. However, we do ask that any vampires make use of Potions of Blood instead of feeding off faculty and fellow students, as that would constitute an assault against a College member and incur the usual punishments. In our efforts to drive back the plague of vampirism, Falion of Morthal and I have devised a recipe for Potions of Blood made with animal ingredients, said to be nearly as filling as the real deal. Please speak with the cook to make the proper arrangements.

  1. Using vampiric seduction on a member of the College does not make feeding off of that individual any less of an assault, and in fact piles another charge on top of that of feeding. Hitting fellow members of the College or a civilian with a fear, fury, or calm spell in order to do something illegal to them or their property is, in fact, illegal in and of itself.
  2. If I were as rabid about ridding the world of vampires as the average member of the Dawnguard, would I be working with one of Skyrim’s foremost conjuration masters to seek non-lethal avenues of removing vampirism? I am equally aware that not all cases of vampiric infection are unwanted. Do calm down.
  3. Feral vampires and those who aim to prey on the general populace are fair game, however. You have been warned. The Augur of Dunlain claims that I’ve become a dab hand at Bane of the Undead, and we’ve worked out a method to enhance the spell’s matrix so that the circle of protection is large enough to envelop the whole town of Winterhold. All we’ve lacked is a proper opportunity to demonstrate this.




	5. Chapter 5

_\- From the desk of the Arch-Mage_ :

_Mirabelle and I have decided, on the basis of overwhelming evidence, that we simply aren't paid enough to keep up with all the shenanigans going on around here, much less maintain a Synod-approved level of order. Not that we want to meet the Synod's standards, since the Synod is an ineffectual power-hungry mess, but it certainly doesn't help us maintain the facade of respectable, studious mages. (Enthir, I can hear you laughing. Stop.)_

_I have posted these rules in the usual places and the usual penalties apply, but I won't hold my breath while waiting for them to be rigorously obeyed._

_\- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold_

* * *

 

41) Stop referring to my official Arch-Mage robes as my ‘magic poncho’. This style of garment has many decades of tradition and history behind it. I’m told it is patterned after the mage robes worn in Atmora.

42) I may have an unimpressive stature even for someone of my race as well as the face of a woman half my age, but I do not appreciate any demeaning nicknames referring to my lack of height. I appreciate them even less because none of you have an imagination. I’ve heard these same insults since my childhood. ‘Midget’ is so uninspired. ‘Girlie’ is also unappreciated. Additionally, jokes that I should be relegated to the ‘kiddie table’ at mealtimes should cease immediately.

  1. Speculation that consuming enough dragon souls confers functional immortality remains just that – speculation.
  2. No, I have not found any simple gold rings with an invisibility enchantment. Why do you ask?



43) Making realistic models of famous magical artifacts is not illegal. Making functional replicas of famous magical artifacts is not illegal. Making said models or replicas and passing them off as actual famous magical artifacts is, however, illegal. I believe we’ve spoken about this before, Enthir.

  1. While as Arch-Magic of a reputable magical institution I cannot endorse or condone such behavior, I do admit that giving the Synod said replicas is hilarious. I cannot fathom what its members think they will achieve by their snooping around. Do they expect us to keep Daedric artifacts in a broom closet?
  2. No, I did not lend academic and magical assistance to the Stormcloak movement solely in order to hinder the movements of the Synod and the College of Whispers in Skyrim, although I agree that that effect has been greatly beneficial to us here in the College of Winterhold.
  3. Rumors that I kept the true Jagged Crown and handed over a replica with a copy of my brand-new ‘Fortify Shouts’ enchantment to Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak will not be confirmed or denied.



44) Regardless of whether you’ve managed to acquire a working example of a Dwemer control rod or construct a functional replica, Dwemer animunculi are not allowed to run loose in the halls. This applies primarily to spiders and spheres, as steam centurions would not be able to fit down many of our halls. However, this is not an invitation to try shrinking one.

  1. Unless, of course, you wish to attempt that feat for an alteration research project, in which case file the appropriate paperwork and register a ritual circle away from careless people whom the centurion might try to attack.
  2. All attempts to re-program Dwemer animunculi with fresh soul gems and new enchantments are still banned after the last incident, however.



45) I will not ask you to stop the betting pool over whether I’ll encounter Daedric shenanigans of some sort or find a famous artifact whenever I head out on a mission. I’ve participated in too many betting pools myself. I will not, however, rig or ‘throw’ my missions in some manner in order that you may win the pool, no matter what incentives you offer.

46) As a friendly warning, you might want to better hide that beer-making operation in the Midden, but not for the reasons you’re thinking of. That beer is actually _really good_. I’ve tried it. (After checking extensively for poisons and curses first, of course, but that’s why I’m still alive even with as many enemies of mortal and of supernatural origin as I have.) Someone is going to swipe your beer stash or whole operation if you don’t secure it better.

  1. If you can up your manufacturing, consider making a deal with the Frozen Hearth to sell your beer there. The Jarl might try to tax your operation, of course, but it might make you some good coin.
  2. I believe Phinis still has the notes from Borvir and Rundi’s unfinished research project. They planned to demonstrate practical non-combat applications for magic by using frost spells to chill mead for a better flavor. It’s worth looking into. If our enterprising brewers (you know who you are, and I know who you are) want to take on this research project, you can pick up where they left off and complete it for your journeyman test.
  3. Yes, I know beer and mead are totally different.
  4. Mirabelle informs me that it is now called the adept test, not the journeyman test.
  5. There is also an unfinished research project in our archives, begun by a young Dunmer apprentice before the Great Collapse, investigating whether carefully controlled fire spells produce superior glassware, if anyone’s more interested in playing around with flames than ice. If someone takes this up, the College will buy any good-quality resulting glassware, as alembics and retorts always seem to be getting broken or misplaced around here…
  6. Phinis reminds me to warn all students to conduct their research in safe locations instead of foolishly gallivanting off to known bandit hideouts to practice spells. The class before mine learned this the hard way. If you _must_ run off to locations of dubious safety, _trap the entrances and exits to Oblivion and back_. Slap down some rune traps, check around for rumors of bandit activity in the area, and make sure any undead are thoroughly dead (again) before getting distracted with your research. Practice common sense, please.



47) I don’t particularly mind that someone decided to celebrate Sheogorath’s summoning day by decorating the campus with cheese wheels of all description. What I _do_ mind is that the cheese is still present, two days later. Dispose of it.

48) The next joker who hides Master Tolfdir’s alembic again will never use any alchemical equipment of better quality than the apprentice sets until they’ve reached the rank of wizard.

49) All dorm rooms and living spaces are to be kept neat and tidy, with no empty wine bottles, uneaten food, trash, and other clutter left lying around. This is clearly stated in the official code of conduct. Abide by it. We are upstanding mages, not deranged necromancers outcast from society grubbing away in a cave somewhere.

  1. Justifications that the trash heaps comprise your worship to Namira will not be accepted. Clean your mess up.
  2. Justifications that the trash heaps comprise your worship of Peryite are equally unacceptable. Although I’m sure he’d approve of the disease that is likely to emerge from said trash heaps, he is also known as the Taskmaster and surely would rather approve of the doing of one’s own chores.
  3. Colette Marence has received permission to appropriate any students with infected wounds or illnesses arising as a result of unsanitary conditions as victims – ahem, practice subjects – for her restoration students. So there.



50) No, _N’Gasta! Kvata! Kvakis!_ is not in any language taught here at the College of Winterhold, nor in any language taught by the Mages Guild during the reign of the Septims or by the Guild’s present offshoots. Go ask the sloads.

  1. No, I don’t know why so many necromancers hoard books in languages they cannot read, either.
  2. For your information, the so-called magical languages taught at the College of Winterhold include Dovahzul (known as Dragonish in the mangled form taught in the Iliac Bay), Daedric of various dialects, Giantish, and Spriggan. You should know this, if you've read the college catalogue of courses.
  3. The language of spriggans _does_ sound mostly like deer noises and insect buzzing, but it may save your life someday.
  4. Different daedra speak different dialects. Imps, for instance, share only half of their vocabulary with Golden Saints. The dialect spoken by dremora, however, is considered ‘Standard’ Daedric and the most useful, as it is the most widely spoken in the planes of Oblivion.
  5. No, you may not sue the College for a refund of your tuition fees when you speak the wrong dialect of Daedric to a Golden Saint and end up grievously wounded for such an offense.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't believe me about those languages, look up Daggerfall. I've extrapolated a little and applied them to the College of Winterhold, but as far as I'm concerned they're canon. Being able to speak Spriggan would have been a really useful skill in Skyrim while trying to run away from two of them and their horde of bewitched bears...


	6. Chapter 6

_\- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:_

_Posted in the usual places, with the usual penalties for infringement unless otherwise noted. I'm too tired to add anything witty because I just got back from closing a magical rupture in the Pale so the jarl would stop whining at the College. Was chased around by more giants and mammoths than I care to remember right now. Enthir, if you so much as lay a finger on the giant-carved mammoth ivory I brought back, I will string you up and force-feed you mammoth cheese. We'll see how your Bosmer stomach holds up to_ that.

_\- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold_

* * *

51) The College of Winterhold is not responsible for any bruises, broken noses, and other injuries acquired as a result of smashing face-first into walls while testing overpowered Fortify Speed spells. You can pay one of our Restoration adepts a small fee for healing, or you can submit yourself as a test subject for Colette Marence’s apprentice classes and receive free healing that way (or healing attempts).

52) It doesn’t matter if you are investigating the alchemical properties of horker tusks. Dead bodies are not to be kept in the dormitories, even if they are under proper security and stasis spells. Half-butchered horker bodies are _especially_ not to be hung from the ceiling.

  1. Your dormitory rooms are _not_ cold enough to keep said horker bodies fresh. Need I remind you of that scavenged Dwemer boiler? It provides plenty of heat. I know because I read the reports on it and its maintenance. If you feel it isn't doing an adequate job, you can always chop firewood for it.
  2. Taxidermied alligators or crocodiles are _not_ necessary furnishings for any proper wizard’s office or tower, despite what some older mages or literature might tell you. It was a fad for less than a decade in the late Second Era.
  3. Insect collections are fine. Snake skins are fine. Tusks, claws, etc. are fine, as long as they are not dripping blood or other dubious fluids. Any recognized alchemical ingredient approved for use by students in general or for a research project in particular may be kept with the proper security and stasis measures. If you do not know the proper methods of preparing and storing alchemical ingredients, please consult with our Master Alchemist, Sleeps-in-Blossom.



53) Velehk Sain was released from the Midden years ago. Enthir, stop telling the gullible new apprentices that dremora pirate gold is hidden down there. I will make you personally copy out these lists by hand for incoming students if you persist in spreading tall tales.

54) While the individual who crafted a Disintegrate Clothing spell to match the already-existing Disintegrate Armor and Disintegrate Weapon spells will receive his expertise certification in Destruction, use of this spell in anything other than a formal duel or a case of self-defense will be counted as an assault against a civilian or against a fellow member of the College, as the case may be, and will be handled by the relevant authorities.

55) …I should really have anticipated the need for this rule. From now on, it is illegal to place or keep books in stacks of three feet or higher, no matter what surface the stack is placed, be it floor or chair or table. We do not need a repeat of our poor librarian’s assistant buried underneath an avalanche of books and unable to call for help.

56) Finger of the Mountain is a fragment of an ancient Ayleid weather-manipulating spell-and-enchantment system capable of incredible destruction. Teaching and practice of it is strictly regulated for very good reason, and is only permissible on college grounds or by college members with the signatures of the Arch-Mage, of the College’s Master Wizard, and of the College’s Destruction Master. The last time an overly ambitious student attempted to practice it, she collapsed a section of the Midden. We do not want a repeat of that incident.

  1. For one thing, Finger of the Mountain requires – pardon my Breton – a _shit ton_ of magicka to fuel it, and so its usage is simply not feasible for anyone outside of Atronach-born or a Septim. We’re fresh out of Septims, so that leaves the Atronach-born, who will also at least have the spell absorption ability to deal with the shock kickback that learning and using this spell involves. Said electrical kickback can be lethal, another reason why this spell is so heavily regulated.
  2. In general, if an ancient and extinct culture had some method of manipulating the weather, _it should not be messed with_. I’m sure even that Dwemer weather machine in Bamz-Amschend the Nerevarine supposedly uncovered had its dangers. Really, my Clear Skies Shout is the tamest one of the lot… and it’s still a Shout.
  3. Peer review in magical journals has also raised the possibility that Finger of the Mountain can form a genuine thunderstorm – a symbol of Sheogorath. We do _not_ want to idly summon the Daedric Prince of Madness and Chaos. Remember, any deliberate summoning of Daedric Princes by college members is frowned upon, especially on college grounds.
  4. What are they teaching these days in history classes? Yes, those with the Dragon Blood tend to have very high magicka reserves and regeneration rates. The Septims were no stranger to this rule, and they also lived recently enough that we have documentation of this fact. Unfortunately, it is considered kinglier – or more imperial? – to wear armor and swing a sword, so few of the Septims received an extensive magical training. This is a crying shame, I feel. It is my unpopular scholarly opinion that a magical education might have helped Uriel VII deal with some of the troubles surrounding his reign, although it certainly couldn’t have prevented everything. It is worth noting that Martin Septim, who _did_ receive magical training, was noted by his teachers at the Arcane University to possess “extraordinary talent” in conjuration. Hmm, was that due to magical ability or to an innate connection to the barriers between Mundus and Oblivion due to the Dragon Blood? …Looks like I’ve found a topic for my next research paper.
  5. As to how I found two-hundred-year-old memos from the Mages Guild, I have my sources. That is all I will say.
  6. Mirabelle says I should write less commentary in my rules. I’ll provide exactly the proper amount of commentary, no more and no less. I DO WHAT I WANT, MIRABELLE!



57) Bound weapons may not be drawn on civilians or college members as a “joke” and then dispelled, as if their disappearance means they were never brandished in the first place. The guards take this sort of thing seriously, I assure you. If this regrettable fad continues, I will ask Phinis to discontinue teaching all bound weapon spells, including the recently-revived Bound Dagger spell. I will also scrap plans to implement the bound armor spells into the conjuration curriculum.

58) Plenty of training salles for magic practice ring the central portion of the Hall of the Elements, and they have all been warded to withstand heavy magicka discharges. There is no need for two or more students to dispute the usage of one particular sale, regardless of it being a “favorite” of one of the students, and it is particularly embarrassing for said students to engage in a slap fight over it. Another offense of this nature will result in the students involved cleaning all of the salles of dirt, ash, water, and other magickal residue. A third offense will result in the students involved cleaning a section of the Midden of my choosing.

59) Attention, all students. Do not dress in solid black robes and hoods, especially ones with skull motifs, unless you are prepared for everyone to assume you are necromancers and act accordingly, especially if you’re trying to be “unconventional” and lurking in dank caves. If you do this and you’re not prepared, you will probably be killed by some adventurer, and also probably in some humiliating manner. Don’t die for the sake of edginess. It’s not worth it.

60) To implement a bit of Nord culture I very much appreciate, and in the interest of public health and hygiene, all college members with access to facilities shall bathe or partake in an equivalent cleansing ritual every Loredas. Appropriate facilities are available in the basement of every dormitory tower.

* * *

-  _Addendum: Mirabelle, are you making me handle more of the students' infractions and their punishments as revenge? You_ are _, aren't you?_


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I may have logged 1,000+ hours in Skyrim, but that still doesn't mean I own it, sadly. It just means I have no life. I also don't own Immersive College of Winterhold, S.W.I.F.T., and any other Skyrim mod referenced in this fic.

_\- From the desk of the Arch-Mage:_

_I strongly suspect that, every time I publish a new set of these rules, the students of this College sit around with a few bottles of ale or mead or other alcoholic drink to devise new ways to get up to shenanigans on campus and to give me fresh headaches. Research and experimentation form the lifeblood of a thriving magical community and pave the way for greater advancements in the various mystic schools in the future, but it will do you personally little good if you students kill yourselves in the process - or, say, if you cross your Arch-Mage one too many times and fall victim to one of those punishments of which she has expressly warned you and is in fact in the process of warning you again. Mirabelle and I have already discussed quizzing new apprentices thoroughly on the rules they've received at orientation, in order to ensure they have no chance of pleading ignorance, and don't think I won't make such quizzes mandatory for everyone of adept rank and below, as well._

_If you're wondering why experts and up won't be quizzed on basic magical safety practices and honest-to-Divines common sense, that's because stupidity usually kills a mage before he reaches the rank of expert. Contemplate what that means for the survivors. However, this doesn't mean that I will not apply these same rules to the higher-ranked members of this College or hesitate to inflict just punishment._

_\- Celeste Lachapelle, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold_

* * *

61) Sergius’s proposed ban on snowball fights in the college courtyard has been denied. Throw snowballs all you want. ~~Preferrably at Sergius.~~ ENTHIR, STOP VANDALIZING MY RULES!

62) Officially, the College of Winterhold has no policies about werewolves. Any ferocious maimings or murders will be penalized, of course, but I have no particular concern over a werewolf merely existing on campus or transforming. Mind you, I’d still advise against transforming on college grounds, especially within view of others, although not so much because someone will run off to report you to the jarl’s guards as because you’ll be immediately swamped by overly-curious mages wanting to study you.

63) There shall be absolutely _no_ throwing of spiders of _any sort_ or throwing of any spider-like creature at individuals on this college campus.

64) Nelacar is no longer officially the College’s responsibility, thank all the Divines. Make a complaint to the Jarl to have him thrown out of your shop if he causes a disturbance or blows something else up.

65) The College of Winterhold does not encourage the killing off of one’s rivals in order to advance in rank. This is not House Telvanni. Develop your skills, complete some research, run a few quests, perhaps publish a paper or two, and then apply for an advance in rank. We frown on internecine dealings here.

  1. You are welcome to try killing _me_ off for my position, however, since I find these attempts amusing. Incidentally, mastery of at least three magical disciplines is required in a candidate for the position of Arch-Mage. The Thu’um _does_ count as one of these disciplines, as Shalidor wrote these requirements in an age when it was somewhat more common of a skill. Alchemy, oddly enough, doesn’t count.
  2. Official notice of an assassination attempt on my person via a formal challenge is appreciated but not required.
  3. Attempts on the life of our Master Wizard are _strictly banned_. Mirabelle is a darling and I will avenge one hundredfold any scratch inflicted on her. We need her. She’s the only one who knows how to keep this place running…
  4. Donations to the College of Winterhold are always welcome and may eventually earn for you a new wing of the Arcanaeum Archives named in your honor, but they will not buy your way into a higher rank. Do we look like the Synod?



66) Master Urag and I have agreed that the official punishment for grossly overdue books checked out from the Arcanaeum will be a quick trip to Apocrypha. Enjoy your visit with Hermaeus Mora.

67) The College is not responsible for broken or chipped teeth caused by trying to eat a chunk of raw ebony ore. The College is not responsible for indigestion caused by the consumption of Falmer ears or raw slaughterfish eggs. The College is certainly not responsible for the consequences of drinking the blood of any creature. The College allows free alchemic experimentation, but it also reserves the right to step back and say, “I told you so.”

68) Faralda and the College guards have my permission to deal as they see fit with the next genius who uses fire spells to melt the snow off the walkways in the Courtyard, only for them to immediately freeze over with ice. I suggest the miscreant be sent to the Winterhold salt mine for a change, instead of my usual ‘instantaneous teleportation to a daedric dimension’.

69) A _few_ skulls are permitted in private quarters and workspaces for decoration purposes or for research. Constructing furniture out of them is going too far. I believe I have already spoken about not dressing and acting like a necromancer unless you’re also prepared to die like one.

70) I am not forbidding College members from making some coin on the side from their skills. I am saying some College members need to be more discreet about in what quantities and to whom they sell invisibility potions (among other things), as Riften’s jarl has filed a complaint.

  1. I cannot help but observe that it’s awfully confident of some individuals to sell the Thieves Guild the very tools they’d need to rob from us…
  2. Enthir, don’t even try to deny this. Literally everyone knows you’re shady. Your Morrowind contact is on the verge of dropping you because thieves learned of your shipments and burgled them.
  3. Yes, I know about your Morrowind contact. That’s how I obtained a pristine set of the _36 Lessons of Vivec_. Completely legally, I might add.
  4. On a different note: the apprentice who mixed up a potion of invisibility but found herself continually chiming like a nirnroot after consuming it, please speak with Master Sleeps-in-Blossom about a possible alchemy project. You may have a gift. I’ve made many a paste of nirnroot, crimson nirnroot, and crushed chaurus eggs and still never encountered that result. Remember, apprentices, no experimentation mistake is really a mistake if you can still write a paper on it and claim it as experience.




End file.
